Astronomer: Past and Present
by Leesa Perrie
Summary: John's thoughts, with some Rodney mixed in. Spoilers to Tao of Rodney McKay.


**Astronomer: Past and Present **

**By Leesa Perrie**

_In response to Tipper's poem challenge_

**------**

**When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer**

**by: Walt Whitman**

When I heard the learn'd astronomer,

When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns

before me,

When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide,

and measure them,

When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured

with much applause in the lecture-room,

How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,

Till rising and gliding out I wander'd off by myself,

In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,

Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.

**------**

**The Long Ago Past**

When I was in college there was an astronomer, world famous within his field, and he was invited to do a series of lectures that were open to anyone. I wasn't studying physics, but I had always loved the stars, and for once in my life thought I should find out more about them. So I went to the first lecture.

He reduced the stars and planets and universe down to figures and charts and diagrams. I followed the math, no problem, not that I would have admitted that to anyone. Long ago I had learnt to hide my intelligence, my ability, behind the easy-go-lucky mask, the party goer, the cool dude, the one who everyone loved to hang out with. It was easier that way. Better. Less lonely.

So that wasn't the problem. I could understand it all. No, the problem wasn't with any of that. But as I listened to him, the mystery of the vast blackness of space, the wonder of the stars that shone and the beauty of the night sky all faded, and I didn't like it. It felt wrong.

So I slipped out, glad I had taken a seat at the back, and wandered out into the night.

As I walked back to my dorm, I glanced up from time to time, seeing the stars despite the campus lights, trying to recapture the magic, the mystery, the wonder. Before I reached my dorm, I changed my destination, and took my car, driving out into the countryside, as far from the city lights as I could. Finding a place to stop, I placed a blanket on the ground and laid down, staring up into the night sky.

The stars were brighter here, and as I gazed at them in silence, the world righted itself.

You see, as much as I loved math, and even science, though to a lesser degree, there was more to life than that. Much more. And I had to wonder if this famous astronomer, this learned man, still felt that childlike awe when he looked at the stars. Or was it just names and figures and hard facts? For his sake, I hoped it was more than that.

I made a promise to myself that night, under the stars. No matter what I did or where I went, I would hold onto that wonder, and maybe, one day, I could pass it on to someone who needed it as much, or even more, than I.

**The Not So Long Ago Past**

_(Post Siege Part Three)_

It was after the Siege that I first dragged McKay's too-wired-can't-sleep-but-on-the-verge-of-collapse sorry ass up here. He was exhausted after days without much, if any, sleep. Weeks, in fact, of too little sleep, too much coffee, too many stimulants. I knew he would crash, and crash hard, but despite nearly falling asleep on the floor after getting the ZPM working, until reminded that there were still Wraith in the city (Teyla told me about that, worried about McKay's level of exhaustion), now he couldn't seem to relax.

I knew Carson was on the verge of corralling McKay in the infirmary and pumping him full of the strongest sedative he could find, but more drugs didn't seem like a good idea to me, so I dragged his sorry, complaining ass up here instead.

Here was a balcony right near to the top of one of the towers. It was as high as you could go in the city and be able to go outside, and, more importantly, the view of the sky wasn't marred by anything overhanging it. I had come here more than once since arriving in Atlantis, and had found it an ideal place to lay down a blanket and watch the stars. Of course, the mainland would have been better; less light pollution, but I wasn't about to drag Rodney over there, even if I could get permission to do so.

The third time I had come up here, I had grabbed a mattress from a spare room. Yeah, I know, if anyone had seen me hauling a mattress about they'd have thought I was off my rocker, or else up to no good. That's why I had chosen the middle of the night, and had a life signs detector to help me avoid detection. A couple of blankets had followed. And a pillow. Hey, may as well be comfortable as I perused the night sky, and if I occasionally ended up sleeping out here, on milder nights, so what?

McKay had grumbled, moaned and bitched, but he'd come with me. Not telling him what I wanted to show him had annoyed him, intensely, but had also peaked his curiosity, as I'd known it would. That, and the promise of sharing the last of my candy store with him, later, was enough for him to follow.

I told him to lie down on the mattress, and no, I wasn't about to steal his virtue, I wasn't any more that way inclined than he himself was (which wasn't at all), and, hey, didn't stealing his virtue suggest he was a virgin still? Something he'd hotly denied in a huff.

So I simply pointed out that he couldn't see what I'd brought him here to see if he didn't lie down. Grumbling and clearly unhappy, he did as he was told, and wasn't that a minor miracle in itself?

At first he didn't get it. Stars were just stars, and he knew all about stars. And yeah, of course he did. He was like that astronomer, only smarter and more knowledgeable about, oh, all sorts of things (everything, if you listened to his blurb), but not seeing what I wanted him to see. Or, more like, not feeling what I wanted him to feel.

So I told him about the astronomer, about my reaction, about the wonder of it all. He listened, interrupting from time to time, as is his way, annoying as it is. But he listened, nonetheless.

But he didn't really get it. He understood what I was saying, but he didn't feel it. Couldn't feel it. Too much the scientist, I suppose, and I felt sad for him.

I let him talk, then. And he talked, about space, about planets, about stars. I listened, and unlike before, the sense of childlike awe remained. He didn't steal it from me, like the one all those years before almost had. In fact, he added to it. Don't ask me how, I still can't explain it.

Eventually, he slept, and I kept watch. Over him, over Atlantis, under the stars.

**The Present**

_(Post 'Tao of Rodney McKay')_

I couldn't find McKay at first, and I'd looked in all the normal places. The mess hall, the labs, the control room, his quarters, even the infirmary, because you just never knew with McKay.

I didn't want to call him over the radio. It wasn't like it was important, I'd just wanted to check up on him. Yeah, I know, Rodney's a big boy and can look after himself, but having come so close, so very, very, scarily close to losing him, I felt the need to check on him. Call it what you will; checking up on a valuable member of staff; looking out for a team-mate; being there for a friend. I knew what it was; and what it was, was making sure he was still alive, and still here.

Not that I would ever admit that out loud. Not my style. I would never let him know that I thought of him as family. And I truly hope that Teyla's never mentioned the family thing to him either.

I sighed. Okay, so he wasn't where I expected him to be, and I didn't want to radio him, so…

So I decided not to be such a worry wart, telling myself to grow up, get over it, he was alive and not going anywhere anytime soon.

And then I headed to the balcony for a bit of star watching, hoping to distract myself from worries about my annoying, irritating and not-to-be-found team-mate (and friend).

He was there, lying on the mattress, well, on one of them. And just when did the second mattress and pillow, not to mention extra blankets, appear? They weren't here last week, I was certain of that.

I approached silently, in case he was asleep. But no worries there, he was awake.

"I get it now," he said quietly. Okay, so I hadn't been approaching that silently it would seem.

"Get what?" I asked, truly curious.

"This," he waved a hand upwards. "The stars, the night sky, the…wonder."

He looked at me then, and I could see it in his eyes. Finally, he understood it.

I laid down on the second mattress to one side of him.

"Cool," was all I said.

And smiled.

The End


End file.
